Friday, December 16, 2011

Merciful Rain

Let the Holy Spirit come over you now
As the healing rain falls from the clouds
There is nothing you can do to deserve it
You don't have to earn His love
Let the rain fall from above

Merciful rain falls over the children
Merciful rain falls over the children
Merciful rain falls over the children of God
Over the children of God
Merciful rain falls

See the Holy Dove descending over you now
Feel the Living Water cleansing your soul
In the name of Jesus you have been forgiven
You have been redeemed forever
Fix your eyes on Heaven 

Today has been a whirlwind of crazy, emotion, clumsiness, tears, prayers, frustrations, lack of sleep, a million things going on in my head and finally an enormous and sudden smack on the face to focus me again. Thank you Lord?? 
2:34am- Ava wakes up....(she has been sleeping so well for months, so this was odd) I get up and try to console her and put her back to sleep.
3:00am - she's back to whining and I respond to her and try again to get her to go back to sleep. 
3:16am- I finally give up and take us both to the recliner in the living room and go to sleep with her there. 
8:00am- wake up and get her changed, fed.
9:30- Ava goes down for a nap. yay!!! hurry up and get a 10 min workout in (they are amazing by the way Check it out!! Christian wellness and fitness! 
9:45- Ava wakes up. At least I got a work out in. I rush to at least try to wash my hair and dry it.
10:15am - with freshly styled hair, even though Ava has been demanding my attention, I finally get her, pick her up, hold her and she calms down for a bit. Then she just starts to get fussy and nothing really gets her to get back to her happy self. I had already felt tired, cranky, and frustrated and now I could feel myself getting an attitude. Terrible of me, but true. I was frustrated and just wanted Ava to be her happy self so I could get at least a few things knocked off of my list, ever growing one at that, of things to do, accomplished. So, I let her play on the floor for a little while, before you know it, she's upset again. Ok I pick her up again and entertain myself for a moment by getting on Facebook on my phone. I had an update on our church page about our sweet friends The Taylors. William is there son and he is 4. He has a brain aneurysm and is in Dallas right now. Things are very serious and could take a very rapid turn in either good or bad direction. All of a sudden I realize. Shaina, what are you thinking? Where is your heart? What is your focus? What is your purpose this day? Is it to finish a list? Is your goal to accomplish a few chores so that  you can somehow feel better about yourself? Is your goal to make sure Ava is attended to, just so she won't be cranky? Are you being a mother of grace and patience? OR are you being wasteful of your time with your 6 month old? Why would you waste precious time being selfish and frustrated with your baby girl (and yourself for that matter) when there are precious people on their faces for their son's life. Get a grip Shaina. Be humbled and hold your baby tight. Pray for William, his mom Jenny and dad Roland, his three older brothers. Pray pray pray. 
Nick got home and I quickly ran to the store while he was here to watch Ava for a minute. I quickly got back and updated him on william and the situation. He leaves to go back to work and I start getting the things in the kitchen done (ava had fallen asleep again when I got back) As soon as I started getting things done in the kitchen, she wakes up. I felt frustrated and interrupted again. Really shaina? Didn't we just have this talk, you and me, the Lord says to me. Yes, we did. So I pick her up, hold her tight, and we play for a bit. She starts to act tired again and so I change her and get her to sleep for her afternoon nap. She's sleeping sweetly right now, in her crib, and I got some things accomplished. God knows my heart. 
He knows my humanity fails me often. He knows that my desire is to be His, to be a faithful, healthy, wife and mother. He knows I struggle with busy-ness and lists. He even knows that deep down I want to sit and snuggle all day with Ava, but it's not always possible. He knows that I ache inside for Jenny, as a mom, I can't imagine watching my baby hurt and struggle to get well and not get any closer to being well. 

All of that rambling to say...I NEED Christ. I NEED his mercy. I NEED his grace. constantly. every minute. I try so hard to do things on my own, even after having a very blunt reminder this morning from my sweet Jesus. I cannot breathe without Christ. I cannot function at all, much less, abundantly and wholly without Him. His being, his person, his essence. 
Forgive me Father for being so selfish. so wrong. so disobedient. Help me to live in your mercy, walk in your grace and serve you, my husband and my sweet baby as you serve me. 

blessings all,

p.s. please please please be in prayer for William and his family. Go to facebook and search prayers for william for updates. Thanks! 

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