Sunday, July 15, 2012

Deep Cries Out to Deep

What a weekend! We had a wonderful family weekend, the three (four) of us! Friday night we had a "lovely" dinner at Taco Bell (a group favorite) with James, Katrina and the kiddos before going to the movie night at the church. They played "The Grace Card" and it was wonderful. Such a message! It was a fun night and Ava got to play hard with her friends in the nursery while we had a kid free couple of hours watching the movie. :) Great time! Saturday was wonderful as well! We three got up fairly early, thank you Ava, and began the day with a Donut Stop breakfast, followed by a trip to the farmer's market where we bought some fresh zucchini and a bouquet of flowers! So fun. :) (i miss flowers, since I don't work with them daily) We had a little down time before going to a Kairos meeting and then I ventured to church for practice and service after that. We had a nice evening together at home and it was nice. Today has been full as well. Church all morning for run through and two services (which were all awesome)! Lunch with the Pratt-Mullins/Baker crew and then with it being so cloudy today Ava went down for a great nap and Nick and I had some time to get things done around the house. Mom and Dad came over for dinner, which was great! Ava had a GREAT time with her mimi and tpaw! Lots of laughing and playing, snuggling and kisses! :) Such a full and great day. I have that "good tired" feeling and I love it.

So, to the real reason I need to write this evening. My mind is reallllllly full. It's overflowing with what ifs and whens. I am concerned with so many things right now and I know that I can't change or do anything about any of them, but it doesn't stop me from thinking about them. Here is my list of issues I'm going through in my mind. Maybe a few of you that read these will pray through them with me.
How long will I have to be in Ft. Worth before we deliver Noah?
How long will we be in ft. worth for Noah's recovery time?
What will Ava and I do while waiting in ft worth before noah comes? Will we sit around Kevin and Stacey's house for 2 or 3 weeks or will we be able to get around FW enough to enjoy some time doing things? Will I feel like doing anything anyway being that pregnant?
How will Ava and Nick do by themselves in Amarillo while Noah and I are in Ft. Worth for his recovery period? Will they eat ok and sleep ok and will Ava be taken care of those weeks I'm gone and he goes to work during the day? (things are in place for that, but as a mommy I still get nervous about it all)
Will Nick be able to get off work for a week or so when Noah's born? Will we have people in FW while noah is born that will be able to keep up with Ava? (mom, mom in law, etc.)
What does Noah's recovery time/journey look like?
When will his 2nd surgery be and what kind of recovery is that like? Will be in ft worth more in the next 6-8 months than we will be at home?

I could go on and on and on with questions and concerns, but I just drown in them and I know that I cannot keep going there in my mind if I am going to trust the Father.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5

So, I take all these thoughts and release them to God in order for me to sleep tonight, function as a wife and mommy tomorrow and to live out my faith that I have publicly made known to others. I don't have a choice, but to live in an honest manner. A manner in which I live by faith, that doesn't mean I don't struggle, I'm not super woman, I still worry and feel and don't know how any of this will work out, but I don't mock God by going on and on about how bad things are, how worrisome I am and how I just don't know how things will work out. I feel as though I've done tooo much of that in my life and I have to stop. Mocking the Father by my living in a lack of faith and trust is, honestly, lazy. I just want to be honest and open with Him and allow him to be the merciful God he is and love me, teach me and guide me through it. I might have just rambled through that entire thought, but hopefully it came across to someone.

I am thankful that I have a place in a ministry that I get to do what I love and I've been gifted to do, but I also am ministered to at the same time. This week we introduced a new song and there is a bridge in it that truly made me dig deep and think.

"We're falling into deeper water, calling out to you.
We're walking into deeper water, going after you."

The first line seems so desperate and needy, but the second line shows a decision has been made to go deeper and to follow him. I feel that those two lines encompass so much of this journey I've been on so far. The day we found out about Noah's heart condition I broke into a million pieces, felt buried under a pile of bricks and knew I was just drowning in an ocean of doubt that I couldn't swim out of, but since calling out to him, I've made the choice to walk deeper, to think deeper, to be deeper with him as I go after Him, because I've never been closer to Christ than I am right now, in the middle of this deep water. Sometimes it's scary, but it's where I'm supposed to be. What is it in your life that you are drowning in that once you actually call out to the Lord, you stop there. You don't make the choice to move deeper in Him in order to go to a better place of depth and intimacy with him? It is our choice to go deeper. Are we ankle deep still? After all these years of "being saved", "following Christ", etc. Are will still just wading around in the kiddy pool or are we going deeper and deeper as we go after him? just a thought.

I have been pleased to know that there are a few people who actually read this blog and have been blessed by it in one way or the other. I'm thankful for the feedback. It helps me to know that this is not just a whining journal or a place for me to ramble into thin air. :) Thank you to those who read and keep up with us. Your love and prayers are felt.

There is another bridge to a song we did this weekend that I could share, but that's a whole new post. So, I'll refrain and wait until next time.

For now, a technical update;

I will be traveling to FW for the rescheduled appointment on Thursday the 26th and the appt is the 27th. I will return to Amarillo on the 28th. I am thankful for my sister, yet again, as she will be my travel buddy. I'm thankful for her sweet friend, who is offering her home for us to stay in the two nights I'm away. It will be good to hang out with Staci and just have some down time, before and after my appts, since she is moving so far away, very soon. :)
At the first appt, it is at 11:00am on Friday the 27th. It is an echocardiogram. We will meet Dr.Roten , the pediatric cardiologist and she will let us know what all we are looking at on the condition and hopefully answer some questions that I have. The second appt is with my new dr in FW (Dr. Howard) and it is for a regular OB appt at 1:00pm. We will discuss delivery dates I believe and probably get some info on when I will need to head to ft worth. I hope that I will return with more information for you all, as y'all have been so sweet to ask me so often how we are doing. Thank you thank you!

Prayers are always appreciated. I want to thank my former employer Glass Doctor of Amarillo. They have put together a raffle for tickets to a Ranger game, a 2 night hotel stay and a Visa Gift card. Tickets are 10 dollars a piece and they are sold at Glass Doctor and at the United on Gem Lake Rd. I say this, all because I am humbled beyond words at their generosity, their love they still show to my family and I, even after being gone from the company for over a year now. I am just beyond grateful for their support and love. PLEASE support this business. They are the best glass company in town and have the best Christian service you will find. Please please go visit them for anything from rock chips to full glass work in your home. I just have to plug them in here tonight because I am just soooo thankful for all they are doing to provide some funds for all of our travel, etc. Love you guys!

Ok ok, enough for tonight. I think my mind is finall cleared enough to begin to get sleepy. :)
thank you again for all the love and support. I could not make it through these crazy days without it.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Shaina your blogs are so inspiring. It reminds me to rely on the father with the little things I struggle with. Your faith is truly amazing. You guys are in my prayers! Love, Amber York