I'm a Martha. Hands down. I want to being doing, serving, baking, cooking, being hospitable, taking a meal, taking on another project, etc etc. I am wired that way and in this journey we've been on that has ceased to happen. I can't DO anything, for anyone. I have lots of downtime, lots of time to think, to over think, to be anxious, stressed, alone, frustrated and hopeless. I have truly tried to spend most of my time in fellowship with the Lord, but I have been trying so hard to "learn something", "grow from this", "share with others", "glorify him", that I forgot to let him love me, heal me, hold me, minister to me, calm my fears, wipe the streams and streams of tears from my face, to rock me into a peaceful slumber. I had gotten to where my quiet time with him in Noah's little cubicle was to fill the time as I waited in his room for the next update. It was a great "doodle time" as I found inspirational sayings and scriptures to write in my journal and make pretty in between sections of the same ol prayers and pleads. I'm not saying my quiet time with the Lord was in vain, it has served quite the purpose, it has kept me in the Word, it has kept me calm and yet it has kept me BUSY about the Lord, not just WITH the Lord. Sunday through Tuesday feel like one long day to me. It was quite the process of up and downs, struggling, wrestling, yelling and screaming at God and questioning him as to why this is still happening, why isn't he healing my boy, why is he standing back watching all of this and not intervening, does he care, does he really care? Doesn't feel like it. The last few days were like one long reenactment of the day we found out about Noah's condition. I was feeble, wanting to curl up and die with agony and physical pain due to the circumstances. It all rushed back and the emotion barrelled out of me like Niagara falls, the nightmare was all around, the doubt, fear and turmoil in my mind. Scary. There was a moment when I had to literally scream for Satan to leave me, my family and my sweet son alone. To be in such warfare has taken a toll on my body. I've felt sick and have seen the effects of this warfare on my mind and heart as well. My mind, my heart, my struggling and fighting the Lord were not in vain, for yet again he proves his faithfulness and love. I've always looked at the story of Mary and Martha as one of works/faith. Martha was full of works and being busy for the Lord and Mary had the faith to stop and just be with him. That is true. But, I think it goes deeper. The lesson God is teaching me in this moment is that in my relationship and walk with him, I am a Martha and to be a Mary is what he is calling me to be. In my walk with him, i am busy looking up the Word, reading a devotional, trying to figure out what I should be learning, what I should say next to people who ask, journal all my prayers, thoughts and needs, read a good inspirational book, give everyone the answers I think I should give, etc etc and ALL God is asking me to do right now is to just be his. (to allow Noah to be his). He desires me to just be with him. I don't have to try to figure anything out, be someone I'm not, pretend to be strong or whatever. I can just soak him up, even when I'm angry, even when I doubt him, his purpose or even his existence in my situation. God doesn't desire to give me answers or the play by play plan for Noah's recovery, as much as that would thrill me to have. He just wants me to be....his.
I've become the awkward person with the earbuds in all the time now. I walk around the hospital, the parking garage, target, the gas station, etc with my earbud in. It takes everything in me not to burst out singing sometimes because I am streaming hillsong on pandora. It truly has kept me focused on the Word through song, then as I open the Word or my journal, I am just refreshing and rejuvenating my sould and not tiring myself out by trying so hard. Right now in this place of my life, he is just asking me to hold his hand, and follow, without reservation like Ava does with her daddy. She doesn't question Nick, she just follows and trusts him with all she knows.
So, in the midst of my martha life if feels like, Mary moments are still available. This journey doesn't have to always be such a fight. There is a time and a place for struggle, but I truly can rest in him and still be diligent in faith and prayer. Having faith in Him through everything doesn't mean figuring it all out as I go. It actually means letting go of knowing, getting rid of the need to know and being ok with not having a clue. scary.
So, as Mary did, I want to just be with Him. As scary as it is. (i know, scary is a bad adjective, but that's all I can come up with)
As I soak up his presence and strength, I am able to go to Noah's bedside and not quiver with fear or doubt, but I can come up to his bedside as his Mommy who has a Word to pour over and into him, his mommy who doesn't look at him and struggle to connect, but his mommy who reminds him of his worth, his purpose and that he has thousands of believers lifting him up in sweet prayer. I get to tell him his story as he grows up and not only how it formed him but how it transformed me.
Please continue to lift up my sweet boy. Pray for MIRACULOUS progress, for his complete person to be on the mend, to progress and being to thrive. My big prayer is that he will progress enough to not need a heart cath next week. Pray for him to get to the point where he can get off of the ventilator. Once he is off the ventilator and has his chest drains out I think I will be able to hold him and boy will we have some cuddle worship time, cuddle prayer time, cuddle nap time, etc. I cannot wait to have that connection and communion with my precious inspiration. He truly is such a testimony of God's handiwork, mystery and purpose all rolled into a chunky ball of cute. :) hehe. I'm proud. I'm truly honored to be his mommy.
I mean shaina