Monday, October 22, 2012

So I Yelled at God

Ya, you read the title right. I yelled at God. Loudly. I dropped off Nick at the airport last night and sat in the parking garage for awhile and then left to get back to the hospital. I wasn't going to tell anyone about this, but I feel like it's part of this journey and it's part of what I'm trying to learn. So, I'm telling you. I yelled at God. Madly. Loudly. Possibly even rudely. I questioned him, asked him why, told him I am angry that MY child was born "broken", that he's been on a ventilator for every day of his life, that he's been sedated for most of his 4 weeks, that he at some point has had none of his own blood in his body due to surgery, that his whole existence is surrounded by tubes, medical staff, florescent lights and hand sanitizer. He hasn't felt his mommy or daddy hold him, I think he knows my voice, but sometimes its hard to tell. Why is this the road you chose for us? I don't like this hand that's been dealt to us and I'm done being "positive". I'm sick of being the "strong" one. "Y'all are so strong, y'all are so faithful, y'all amaze me, y'all are so strong and He only gives those strong enough the hard stuff. blah blah blah. If we weren't so strong would we have a healthy baby? If we didn't trust the Lord like we do, would we be home with him our little girl and each other? Our precious boy and the gift he is, is from the same God that I yelled at yesterday.  All of this is His doing. He is in control. Here's the kicker.... that ol Chris Tomlin song we all just love and sing loudly, "all of you is more than enough for all of me"

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You are my supply
My breath of life
And still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
worth living for
And still more awesome than I know

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You’re my sacrifice
Of greatest price
And still more awesome than I know
You’re the coming King
You are everything
And still more awesome than I know

More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough for me

Have you ever sang that song and meant it? I mean it's easy to sing it when we are all healthy, happy, home, in love, kids are well, we live in a happy warm home with all the pretty fall decorations up, pumpkin bread baking in the oven, family dinner planned for the weekend, job is good, church was full filling that morning, nothing  major is dampening our good mood, etc. It's so easy to sing it then. Oh, you're more than enough God. la la la. It's not so easy to sing it when your 6 hours from home, you have a 4 week old in the hospital and has had open heart surgery, your husband is having to go back and forth every weekend, to work, and keep the little girl who somehow hasn't gotten lost in the craziness of all of this, when that sweet boy is progressing and all of a sudden there's an infection present, a pocket of fluid in his chest that needs to be drained and all his stats are up and down, the pacemaker is back on and the feedings turned off. Try singing it then. Try saying "you're more than enough for me" at that place. It sucks. It's hard. It's oh so very lonely. For every thirst and every need. "YOU'RE MY SACRIFICE OF GREATEST PRICE". oh. oh ya.
I suppose in all of this, God would understand the most. He gave up his son for me. Christ understands because he has felt abandoned by God and he even yelled at him too. "you satisfy me with your love". Is his love enough for me in this moment?  I have not an ounce of control in this situation. It is terrifying to be so vulnerable, helpless and lonely. My daughter is growing up before my eyes without me there, my baby boy is almost a month old and has never been held by me, my husband is so strong and keeps trucking along working and keeping our home together in amarillo. Am I satisfied in your love? Can I somehow be satisfied at this place in life, right now , today, amongst the hard stuff?
I suppose so. What else is there? All of this "stuff" is a gift.
So, here I am. weary. tired. overwhelmed and done. Just help me function Lord. I know you're here. I know you already knew I'd be mad. Kinda comforting really. Somehow, someday I'll have a smile and will be rejoicing. Today I don't have a smile, but I choose to find joy. So, here's why I choose joy

I'm alive.
I have a relationship with Christ
I have a husband
He loves the Lord
He loves me
He serves us
I have a daughter
She's precious and sweet to everyone she meets
She's relatively healthy and VERY happy
I have a son
He's alive
He's precious
He is a testimony and miracle
He is a strong strong boy
He is at the Father's mercy and in His hands
We have excellent care at Cook's.
They take care of my baby boy like their own
sweet, smart, thorough nurses
I have a family
I have a selfless, serving, loving, godly family
I have friends. loving, caring, friends.
There is a home waiting for our return
the Body of Christ has been on their knees for our boy. day and night

I will choose to hold on tight. I will find a way to grab his hem. Somehow my faith will heal this hurt. I pray that my faith is enough to heal my boy.
Guess that's all....for now.


1 comment:

Kenja said...

It's totally okay to yell at God. He's a big God, with broad shoulders. He can take it. Love and continued prayers.