Yesterday marked a month that Ava and I have been gone from home. Sheesh. It seems like less than that and it also seems longer than that. I miss my bed, I miss my kitchen, I miss Ava having her own room, her own space to run around, gosh I even miss my own bathroom. I miss my United and all my people I know there (partially from working there and partially it's just my grocery store and pharmacy), I miss my CHURCH, I miss just running into people I know. Many people hate Amarillo/Canyon and get far away, and I understand that, but it is home and I miss it. I truly miss it and its flatness, its stink, the way I know where everything is, the fact that it is mine. I just miss it. I think at some point I'll actually miss some of what's down here too. A few of the nurses, such easy access to chick-fil-a (there is one in the cafeteria here), the way that I am getting sleep while I'm down here, the quiet time that I get when I sit in Noah's "room" with him for hours. I will miss that at some point when we get home. But, I can say right now that I have never missed home like I do now. All that to say....home isn't ever going to be the same, once we do get back and settled in. Not because we will have 2 children now, that is change enough, but because one of our children will forever have a heart defect. The surgeries he has and will undergo correct the heart so he can live and thrive, but he will live with the effects his entire life. He will most likely always be on some kind of heart medication, he will go to routine appts through out life for maintaining healthy heart function, he will live with different needs and different struggles. Our home life, our life in general will never be the same. But, it doesn't mean that it will be bad. Hard, yes at times. Blessed, always. I think of all the changes we will need to make in our daily life. I can't just pack the kids up and go to the store one afternoon or run to see a friend or have a play date for Ava with someone. We will be very secluded in our home for quite awhile, taking turns going to church, my time alone and out of the house will be to the grocery store most likely. haha. We will have to strictly limit visitors and the length of time they can stay over. If you want to meet Noah at all in the first year of his life, you will need a flu shot and a whooping cough vaccine. There will be constant hand washing and antibacterial gel all over the house. I've never had to check O2 saturation before, daily and to be monitoring his coloring, his overall demeanor along with O2 sats etc. blah blah blah... so overwhelming to me, when it is all laid out like this. Sheesh. How will we ever adjust and adapt? Then, I go up to see Noah, look at him, touch his head, hold his hand and realize...I don't care what it takes, he's coming home with us, we will get through whatever lies ahead for our family, we will make the adjustments necessary for him to thrive at home and we will be thankful for ALL the hardships and craziness because we have our Noah with us and we could not be more proud of him or thankful for him.
Doesn't God feel the same way about us? I know he does. He doesn't give up, he doesn't quit, he doesn't get overwhelmed at all it takes to get us to come home. He delights in us, in our struggle, in our needy-ness, he wants to do everything to make sure we are well taken care of and thriving. He deeply cares. He knows that we are completely helpless without him and that doesn't scare him away from taking us in, making us his own and never giving up on us.
I am thankful that He never gives up on us. I am grateful that we are never left alone, to figure it all out for ourselves with no direction. We don't realize the support and help we have in our savior until we actually seek it out. It never run outs, runs dry or fails us. Yet, as Christians, sometimes, a lot of the time, I feel like we don't even ASK for help from our Father. We complain, we gripe, we go tell our best friend, we worry and we waste away, while the Spirit is there waiting to cover us and help us. We HAVE to ask though. I have caught myself complaining to God, but never asking for His hand in my life. I have had such a shift in my faith the last few months(since we found out about noah's condition), but the last 2 weeks have thrown me deeper into the waters of His character and when the saying, "Deep cries out to deep" is thrown around in worship songs here and there, it has become a reality to me, because each time I don't think I can get any deeper into his Word, his love, his covering, his grace, I go another level deeper. I'm addicted. I would NEVER want my child or any others to have to go through what we are going through. Ever. It is hard, it is more than hard, it is absolutely terrifying at times, but I know that it has brought me to a level in my relationship with Christ, that I would never go back either. I truly treasure the time spent, in the Word and in prayer, in the quiet as he sits with me. I am thankful for it and I need it so much.
If there is any reason that we are going through this, it is simply for the fact that we are walking closer than ever to the Lord. That is enough of an answer for me, now. It has taken awhile, but I am coming to terms with the fact that there is not a solid black and white answer for why we were dealt this hand, but if the only reason is because it as drawn us to the Father......well, ok then Lord. Thank you. Truly thank you. As hard as it is to be thankful for this struggle and hardship....thank you Lord. I am certain that you are being glorified and honored through my son. He's yours anyway.
p.s. an update: Noah has had some good days the last couple of days. He is making some strides in his recovery and is resting well, healing slowly and just being so sweet. He has had a couple of things taken off, like his central line and an iv. He is no longer cathed, so he gets diaper changes and they weigh the diapers. He is on the pacemaker for stability. He has an underlying rhythm but it is not as stable as they would like yet. He has gone down on some of his meds over the last few days and they are slowly tryingn to wean him off of the ventilator. all good things. all thanks to the Father, the prayers he has answered from all the people lifting Noah up and such amazing medical care. we are blessed. thank you to everyone who is praying. We will never be able to thank each of you enough. Y'all bless us daily. thank you so much!