It's 6:30 on a Sunday night, probably around 1995 or 1996 and I'm sitting in the 3rd pew up from the front on the right section of the sanctuary at First Baptist Church Canyon...we seemed to always sing I Suurender All at "sunday night church". I liked singing it because it was one I knew and I could sing the alto part in the hymnal because I was learning to sight read in choir. More than that though, it was a simple time in life. What earrings to wear with my casual outfit for church that night, or which fast food place in town should we all go eat at after church? What homework did I need to finish before school the next day? That hymn just takes me back to a time in life that was easy, simple, lovely, sometimes obnoxious, but blessed. I didn't know what surrender meant then, but I'm thankful that I had the raising and stability in my life that has allowed me to learn about true surrender in this time in my life.
There have been a lot of things happen over the course of a few months that have truly made me surrender my control (or what I think is control), my wants and desires, my comfort, my plan, etc. Obviously the diagnosis of HLHS for Noah was something that I had no control over and I had to surrender my comfortable, simple, happy little life to begin to adjust to the adventure and road that was ahead. There have been times when this road has been smooth and there have been times on this road where I found myself weary, laying on the side of it with bloody feet and dried out eyes, thirsty and all alone. (so it seemed) This road has been one where I have had to daily put aside my ideas of what things should be and surrender to what things really are. Yes, your son is 6 weeks old and has never been in clothes, your son was 6 weeks old before he was ever held by his mommy, your son will always need special care for his heart, your son will have multiple more surgeries in his life, life as you knew it will not ever be the same. Nothing will be the same. When most kids go to the hospital they go home well and people move on with life. When Noah goes home from the hospital we move on with life, but in a completely new way. Reality can be tough. Surrendering what we know and what we are comfortable with is even tougher. BUT, when you truly begin to live in surrender, you begin to see just how particular God is about our lives, our needs, our dreams and our struggles. God truly does have all the details worked out, but we are so in the way of letting God work, seeing him move, and feeling his touch because we hold on so tight to our control and our ways. Sometimes the things in our life aren't such bad things, if we take the time to look at it as a means to grace. Noah has a heart condition that many babies have died from. He has a road ahead of him in life that is not going to be easy. There will be more dr visits and hospital stays ahead. I never wanted to take this road or to watch my baby struggle through the first 6+ weeks of his life and beyond, but if we hadn't been put on this road, I would not be the person I am now. It sounds so cliche, but it is truth. If he had not put us in this place, I would not know the grace that has been poured over me.
Jonah 2:8 "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.
Surrender those idols. The idols of worry, doubt, control, busy-ness, over reacting, money, etc etc. To truly experience the grace and freedom that is available to you, you have to let go of all that is keeping you down. I'm thankful for those who have helped keep me supported. Your love has allowed me to continually come back to the Lord and learn to start letting go of things and rest in the Father's grace.
Noah is doing so well. This weekend was a restful one for him. I am not sure if I had mentioned that he was going to need a chest drain put in so finish draining some chest fluid post surgery. The drain they took out was no longer draining where it was. Well, over night Saturday to Sunday the fluid drained and they did not need to put in the additional drain. Praise God!!! He has just kept de swelling every day. He is looking more like a 6 week old baby now and it is wonderful. They increased his feedings. He is on a elemental formula and tolerating it well. Maybe he can be on my milk again at some point. We'll see. He lays awake more often, as a normal 6 week old and he has been held twice now. Looking forward to more of that this week. He is doing well and will have his wound vac on a little longer to help heal his incision. He is such a precious boy and I am so blessed to call him mine! :)
Thank you as always for your continued prayers. I am thrilled to be giving y'all praises and exciting news. Prayers have been answered in front of my eyes! thank you so much to all! We love you guys!!
Hopefully more news on the ventilator tomorrow.