Habakkuk 3:18 – “yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will take joy in the God of my salvation.”
Yesterday was terrible. I had not slept well, I woke up down, the nurse sounded negative, I fed off of that. I sat depressed in the big comfy chair and watched shows on Netflix for hours and hours. I did not feel like trying, I did not want to get up and go to the hospital. I did not enjoy getting a phone call from Ava’s dr’s office about having to get her arm looked at by an orthopedic dr (another blog all together), all the insurance stuff that goes with that, blah blah. I was frustrated with so much. I wanted to quit. I wanted to throw in the towel. Since May we have been learning what our new normal will look like. Since September 24th I have gazed upon my son and asked the Lord many time, why noah? Why a heart defect? Why no progress? Why a pacemaker? Why won’t his body heal? I truly was on the road to the pit again. By the afternoon hours I was holding on for dear life to the hem of his garment, begging for him to show up. (like he ever left) Each week has had its ups and downs. I go through different emotions each day and most of the time I am fierce with confidence and a big smile as I get to the picu D wing and into noah’s cubicle. I know Noah needs my strength and needs my voice. I know that is what I can give him right now. Yesterday I had no words, I had no confidence, I had nothing to give noah, not even my voice. I finally did try. I was just emptied out so much I had nothing to give my son, nothing to keep going on. My wandering heart, weary. My longing arms, tired. My mustard seed faith, almost dropped. My light at the end of the tunnel yesterday was knowing that I had some special visitors. These three people are some of the Godliest, genuine, humble people I know. They took time from their schedule, their trip here, to come by and love on myself and my Noah. I cannot tell you how satan wanted to get me to try to not have them come see me. I tried to warn them that noah didn’t look good yesterday and I was real low. I didn’t know if they really wanted to come up if we weren’t at our best…(its just how I process sometimes) I know satan was trying his best to not let me be rescued from the pit of despair I had found myself in all day. They came. I was never more happy to see people, than when I pick up my hubby from the airport each weekend and when I get to see Ava after weeks apart. Truly, it has been over 2 months since I have been in fellowship with these mentors and suddenly there they were. It was like a lifesaver had been thrown out into the waves. That ocean that always stops at the shore, as matt preached on last weekend, I’ve been drowning out in it lately and then that lighthouse light came on, the lifesaver was thrown and I could get pulled to shore, cough up the crud, lay there and breathe. They wrapped me up, fed me, and loved on me. They were Jesus to me and I was able to refocus, refresh and then move forward from that place. I’m really not sure how much they realize it meant to me to have their presence. Their prayers for our son fell over him like warm blanket on a cold day. Noah soaked them up, as did I and it gave us each the fuel to keep going in the right direction. That is the beauty of the body of Christ. It is the hope of the gospel. We have a rescuer. We do not have to drown in whatever pit we find ourselves. We can cry out and know that He himself will drag us out, wrap us up, feed us and love us through. Christ will pick you up, right where you are. You don’t have to get to shore yourself, clean yourself up and then come to him.
Our associate pastor at Family Life is Matt Johnson. He has started a 3 week series called, “When God Seems Like the Enemy”. I watched it online (www.familylife.tv) last night before I went to bed. I can tell you, I felt like he was sitting across from me at the table and preaching directly to my heart. I urge you to listen and then the next two weeks go back and hear the messages either at Family Life or online. I went to bed at peace. I slept better than I had in awhile. I awoke a few times to random thoughts and negative thoughts about noah and rebuked them and went back to sleep. (he is ever with us, he truly never leaves us, especially in our rest) So I woke up for the day and went directly to Christ. I had been so convicted that no matter how much time I spend with him during the day, at the hospital or wherever, I had to start the day, not just fill the day with him. I meditated some more on the message Matt gave. I soaked up some amazing music, got in my journal and focused my mind and heart on God’s promises before I even thought about going to the hospital. I got ready and got to the hospital in time for rounds and noah was awake and looking around. I held his hand for awhile and then pulled up a chair and sat beside his bed. Yesterday I could not approach his bed without a fight. Today, comfortable and enjoying time with my baby. Thankful for that interaction. One of the hospital chaplains came by and we visited. I always feel weird when they come by because they don’t just come out and ask you, “are you a Christian?” but I am and I want them to know that without sounding defensive haha. Anyway, he was so pleasant and we had a wonderful visit. It was after he left that noah’s nurse came up and asked if I would be in favor of holding him… WHAT! Of course!! He is still on the ventilator, multiple tubes and drains, but YES! So, they got me set up and got him moved to my arms, tubes and all. It was the best 45 minutes I have had in the last month. Just peaceful warmth between the two of us. The special part of our holding time was that we got to cuddle underneath a very very special blanket that was given to us last night. More on that later. Just know for now that this mommy was given her miracle this morning. I had called upon our prayer warriors and asked for a miracle yesterday. In my struggle and loneliness I asked them to pray for a miracle for us. For noah. It came. I held my baby boy for the first time. I do not believe it will be the last. But, if God chose otherwise, I’d be satisfied with his goodness to me in that very moment. So thankful. For I rejoice in the middle of hardship and trial, for God simply digs us out of the pit and rejoices over us. He sings over us with love and my how it fulfills every longing when he gives us the desire of our hearts.
I would like to hope that even if I didn’t hold my baby boy today that I would still be rejoicing. I have tried everyday, even in the hard times, to say, I trust your character God, even when I do not understand your ways.
Thank you Lord for your covering, for the prayers of everyone, for the love of the body of Christ, for the amazing amount of support and love from all.
It’s worth it. The nearness and the intimacy that I have with Christ is worth the fight. I don’t like this situation at all, but I know that He is being honored through our journey. I’m honored to be Noah’s mom now and will always be. He has brought me closer to Christ than I ever thought possible.