There have multiple times in the last 10 months that I have asked the question to Nick, "what just happened?". I am at that place again, where everything just seems like a big blur. Did that really happen? Did we really have a son, spend almost 6 full months only seeing each other on the weekends, missing my girl every few weeks, saying goodbye every Sunday, getting our son through multiple surgeries, procedures, months of hospital life, sleeping in different places, crying many tears, waiting, praying, hoping for him to get better so many times all to hold him until the minute he died and then come home and start life where we left off? It feels like that. I miss certain things about Ft. Worth. I miss the lack of wind. haha. I miss Pie 5 pizza. I miss the walks to and from the Ronald McDonald House. I miss my gals at RMH. I miss late night talks with them. I miss the ice in the PICU. nom.
I miss my friends at Cooks. I know it sounds silly, but I grew to love many people there and all of a sudden I wasn't there anymore. I had daily conversations, got to know about their families and kids, prayed for them during hard times, listened as some of them went through life changes, went on vacations and then came back refreshed and with lots of stories to tell. We even had a nurse take care of Noah on her last night of work before having her baby and then when she came back from maternity leave we were still there. Ya. I'm not sure what just happened over the course of the last few months, but all of a sudden I have more than just an emptiness from Noah being gone. I have a whole life that is not there anymore and now I am trying to readjust to the life I had to leave, yet I learned so much while I was gone that I feel that if I come back and try to make life "normal" I will be doing myself and my family a disservice to go back to how "things were".... Did any of that make any sense?
I miss him. I miss him more than I can tell you, more than words can say. Some people have wondered why I have been so "positive" so "uplifting" so "happy" in my posts recently, well, it keeps me focused. I'm not lying when I post anything. The joy I have is real. The hope I have is real. If you need to know how to have that, message me. BUT, Trust me, there is much grieving going on. Don't worry. Don't think I'm some super human who has everything under control and is just so relieved to have all of the turmoil and hurt over with at the cost of my son's life. I'd rather be at this long journey and have Noah here so much of the time. I do. Yet, I know that Noah is so much better where he's at than on earth, not living, not thriving, not getting to be a baby or do baby things, not growing up at home, around family and friends. I know that Noah is whole, in his form that only heaven knows. He's not an angel, he's not 5 months old in heaven. He is perfect and whole. I believe that he knows my family who has gone before, He has seen the face of Christ and is worshiping the Father, completely happy and healthy. I know when I see him in heaven, he will recognize me and it will have seemed only like a day to him. Oh how I long for that day.
In the mean time, a new life is straight ahead. I don't know what it looks like, but I know it is going to be better than what life was before Noah. Before life with Noah I was lacking. I lacked self esteem, I lacked confidence, I didn't think I was good enough to do "great things". I didn't know how God could even use a little "good girl" from Canyon, who did everything "right" to advance his kingdom or bring others to the Lord. I did everything I was supposed to do, in order at that. Graduate high school, go to college, meet a guy, get married, graduate college, live in a cute apt, buy a house, have a baby, go to church all the while, sing on the worship team, work vbs and go to small group. Life was plain, it was normal, it was easy. God knew what I needed. He knew that life before Noah was being half lived, it was easy, it was comfortable. Life before Noah was predictable and it was lacking a lot. It lacked spirit, it lacked confidence. Life before Noah was sad in many ways. It wasn't depressing, but it was darker. Noah lit up life, from the moment we knew he was coming. Noah gave us excitement, he kept us learning, growing and seeking. Noah forced me to leave my comfort zone, make new friends, go to new places, find myself for once, outside of my familiar and really stretched me to trust that wherever I am, God is there also and More than that, he has gone before. So, I learned to try new things, trust God in everything, to take risks, to live fully everyday, to experiment, to create(even in the midst of chaos), to love deeply, to be friendly, to journal, document, soak up, and just live. He taught me to rest, sometimes. There were many times he kept me up way too late as well though. He helped me to learn that this "faith" I have, is available to anyone, yet it is a daily struggle to continue in it, asking for more, and really live it. I learned to quit looking at my circumstances as punishment or even "lessons" and began to look at them as opportunities. I realize now more than ever that Noah's life was an opportunity for God to reach people who were cold and hardened prior to being introduced to Noah and his journey. I realized that God used Noah to not only change me, but to reach many many people who would have not been reached otherwise. Somehow, when I'm in the midst of deeply missing my baby boy, I can think upon all He taught me, all he touched and how God used him to touch many people on a deep level.
So, we bought brussel sprouts tonight. I've wanted to test them out with some different cooking methods, but one of the reasons we bought them is because Noah has pushed Nick and myself to better ourselves and not regress into depression, unhealthy gluttony, etc. We have felt very convicted about using this life event to spur us on into healthy living, physically, emotionally, spiritually of course and to also just soak up life and enjoy every part of it. So, we began a new workout regimen. geez. We are stocked on healthy foods and we are digging in, in all areas of life. What more could we do for ourselves as we heal and recover from such trauma, than to be healthier and more vibrant for our daughter, as well as ourselves.
What else. I feel like I have pages to say, all these things that I am needing to get out and tell you all, but they are all just stuck. I do want to thank those who came to the visitation Thursday night. Nick and I are still just blown away by the amount of people, from all walks of life and all layers of our life who were in attendance. We are just thankful and beyond blessed! wow! We are just so amazed by the outpouring of love and care over us and our son.
I miss him. I miss his smile. I miss snuggles late at night while we watch Finding Nemo. I miss sitting him up in bed and him looking all around. I miss his soft hair. I miss his little nose. I miss looking into his brown eyes. I miss his sweet cry.
You know what though? I'm thankful I don't have to say goodbye every night, call the PICU every morning to see how the night went, walk into his cubicle and see some new mechanism or new iv placement, going over rounds everyday and the plan for the day. I don't miss watching him get everything under the sun done to him, I don't miss there not being anything anyone can do for him(especially me, I was so tired of not being able to make my baby better), I don't miss him crying because he hurt, I don't miss him having to be intabated and extabated over and over. I don't miss all the bruises I'd find from lovonox shots, iv placements, etc. I don't miss him swelling so big his skin would tear. I don't miss not ever getting to walk around with him. I don't miss him being leashed to the bed by pulse ox monitors, leads, blood pressure cuffs, oxygen tubes, etc. I don't miss it. I don't miss watching him suffer everyday. I don't miss him not getting to wear clothes or be held all day long. I don't miss him not getting better. ever. I honestly know that the things I miss, are little in comparison to the things I don't miss. It makes it a bit easier, it really does, but nothing will ever change the fact that I won't get to watch my son grow up. I won't get to hear him say mommy, take his first steps, etc etc. A part of my person is gone. There is a deep cavity in my heart, but I know that Christ is healing me, just as he was faithful to heal noah.
I know God's plan for our family is wonderful. There are many good things ahead. I am more proud of myself than I ever have been in my life. I like me more than I ever did, but still desire to make changes of improvement and betterment. I am closer to Christ than I ever have been and I am desiring him more and more.
I miss him, but I am thankful for the life I won't miss now because I knew him. I carried in my womb, one of the most influential people in my entire life. I know many mothers would say that, but my son has made me a better everything. The future is brighter than ever now. The dark moments come, but the beauty of God's grace and his loving kindness towards me in those moments, brings light and therefore, pushes me forward.
Thank you sweet son for teaching mommy to be herself, to like herself and to be proud of herself. No one else has had such an impact on her like you. You were a joy to everyone who ever met you. I just pray I can be the best version of me, everyday, now that you're gone. Love you sweet bubby.