The Boogie Man
There, you can meet him in that post from almost a year ago.
We took Ava to see Veggie Tales Live last Saturday. She didn't really have as good of a time as I thought she would. I realized later, that it was sort of my fault. See, I had this whole Saturday planned out for family fun and just being together. It has been so long since we had a day, in Amarillo, together, without stress looming all around us and so we had a whole day to be together and enjoy each other, the three of us. We slept in, had donuts, went shopping for a few things at Mardel for our sweet friend Lexi and her mommy, Judith. We went to visit them and then went to lunch. We enjoyed lunch together and had some time before veggie tales so we went and got ice cream! Ava and I have shared ice cream, probably for too long... but it's our thing. So, we went and enjoyed and then went to walmart for a couple of items. We had a sort of accident with a faulty diaper, so we bought her new pants, got her changed and went to the show. We got to Veggie Tales and she was pretty excited and then all of a sudden....tired, cranky, no-nap Ava came around. Poor thing. She was sweet and watched from her daddy's lap, but she didn't get up and dance and laugh and have a "fun time" like the rest of the kids.... It kind of made me cranky as well. I mean, we did spend 40 bucks for nick and I's tickets. haha. I didn't want to "waste" money and leave, but she only made it until a little bit after intermission and then she started saying, "go home" "go home"....from Veggie Tales? Really, Ava? wow. So, we got up and left and she was asleep before we left the parking lot. We put her in bed, I went to bed and we both ended up napping for 2 hours. I woke up and it was dark outside. I went in and started talking to nick about it all and realized that they had played, "God is bigger than the boogie man" song at the show and it kind of brought it all back to me. God brought me that song when we started this journey and as I was trying so hard to have a family, fun, "happy and ok" day, I was doing it in my strength. I wanted so bad to just have a fun, normal day and I didn't think about her lack of napping, the fact that we had just endured the longest week of our life and that we had just given our son back to the Father. I just wanted so bad to have a normal day....
It took a few days, but I began to realize that our new normal doesn't have to look or be anything I already know. In fact, it looks like and will become something we have never known. We three are adjusting to life back together. I got used to being alone, doing things on my own, when I wanted, where I wanted. I was always leashed to the hospital, but at the same time, I didn't have anyone to take care of besides myself. I am now back into housewife/mommy mode and I love it. I know this is a deep deep calling on my life and as I sit and write about it, I just love the fact that Ava watched "puppy" on netflix (blue's clues) and then fell asleep after 2 episodes and is now sleeping soundly on the couch for nap. See, I got to feed breakfast to Ava and then snuggle and do our devotional together (out of an incredible book, Jesus Calling for kids-thanks sissy) I cooked lunch, had my pawpaw over for lunch and Nick of course, cleaned up lunch as Ava watched her show and now she's sleeping, I'm writing and when nick gets home we get to work out, play, (I have to catch up the bills/budget) but we get to be together and just be a family, without trying so hard. We didn't work out before, we didn't have a healthy cooked lunch before, we didn't have devotional together before, we didn't have such an easy nap time before..... I didn't have to try so hard to find a happy normal, I just had to let God show me how to do it, the new way.
Noah made things new. He made things fresh again. I won't ever stop missing that boy. Ever. Yet, I find myself using my missing him as fuel to push through this new field in our life that hasn't been harvested before. There is health ahead, life ahead, blessing and newness ahead. (I'm sure there is a whole other post in that one subject of harvest) Nick has been pushing me and encouraging me in all of this and I am thankful. He lets me be sobbing sad, silly happy, unstoppably "nesty" like when I was pregnant, but it is just that I want this new life to be fresh and so fresh things have to happen in our house. :) He keeps me laughing, smiling and loving.
So, to tie in this boogie man....I suppose life after a death is a big boogie man. God is bigger. I remember thinking that the boogie man of HLHS was the scariest thing in the world, but I realized God was bigger than that. I remember thinking we would never get to a happy place through it all, until Noah came home and even after that, SO much ahead in life for him would be terrifying. I would do all of it in a heart beat to have him here, but God proved to be more sovereign than my fears, my worries and my plans. I never thought Noah's healing would be heavenly until a month or so ago. When I realized that was the boogie man of the moment, I was reminded that God is bigger. When it felt like the boogie man beat me and got the best of me that Friday night, God immediately stopped that feeling and overwhelmed me with hope, peace and confidence. That's what He does. He saves the day. He kills the monsters. He is bigger than the boogie man. He longs to fight for you. As Beth Moore put it in her session on Deuteronomy I watched last night, "God is love, so he loves. He does what he is." paraphrased, but still. Woah. God does what he is. (another paragraph that could expand into a whole other post, at some point it probably will)
God is so mysterious. Will I ever really know why he gave me Noah for 5 months? Probably not. In fact, that's ok. It keeps me searching for more reasons and more lessons, more moments and more hope. Surely he didn't just send Noah to this earth, to show me God's love on a deeper level, but maybe he did. I like to think that God loves me enough to pursue me, he is so relentless for me that he would bring me a child, let me know that child for a short time, but enough time to finally, really, know God better than I have since I was little and then take Him back up to himself to prove that he is God and unchanging. Faith like a child? Faith through a child? I know God used and is using Noah and his life to reach people, I get told everyday, but I just can't shake the thought that he was just for me. God gave me Noah, to reach me in a place I didn't know was there. There is an empowerment, an encouragement, a hope and a purpose in that, that makes more sense the more I step back and see the big picture. I will always know that God used Noah and will continue to use his story to change people's lives. I also know, that I got to be the one to know him the best and for that, I am forever changed, grateful and proud.
Now, to continue living life for the one who makes this life all it is. To keep trusting that God IS BIGGER than that boogie man. He is. Try him. Just ask him to kick that boogie man in the rear....I'm quite certain he will show you Himself, in only a way that He can.
There is a song I've discovered recently. You have to listen to this.
This sums up the last 6 months of my life.
Love, blessings & thanks,