Tuesday, May 7, 2013
A month or so before we found out we were pregnant, our worship leader, Debbie, had me learn a song called, "You Are Faithful". Matt Chandler, pastor of The Village Church in DFW was going through a severe illness and his wife Lauren wrote this worship song during their trials. It spoke to me heavily as I learned it, not even realizing just how big of an impact that song would have down the road. I've blogged about it before. The song is powerful and has a huge message, in such a simple format. I love it. The song became Noah and I's lullaby of sorts. I always hummed it or sang it to him to help calm him down, or just as we snuggled in the chair. The day we gave Noah back to the Lord, we held him and held him. I'll never forget that room, the way the chair was set up next to all the machines and stuff. The chaplain, one of the most honest and trustworthy doctors I've ever met, Nick, myself and Noah were all in the room, waiting. I don't think any of us really felt that it would be a long process for Noah to go home, yet we waited and waited. I decided I would hum our song. I hummed and sort of sang, through a broken and crackly voice as he calmly laid in my lap. Nick and I would take turns holding him and loving on him. No breathing machine, no noise, just us. I suppose that was one of the most holy times of worship for us. There is nothing like being in a room where Jesus is present. I remember when my Mimi passed away, I physically felt Jesus in the room. You could cut the peace and assurance with a knife. It was much the same way with Noah. The song You Are Faithful came on my ipod last night while I was cooking dinner. Nick and Ava were at the store and so it was just me. I had one of those moments because I have purposely not played that song for over 2 months now. I have not heard that song, since I heard it play in noah's room that day. It came on and after the last line was sung, it was like a newness came over me, after a day of complete frustration and emotion, I just had this moment where God said, "I am faithful, I am gracious, I alone am God". (such a beautiful and simple chorus)
I suppose I could have slept at the hospital every night, never left his room, never go outside, etc etc. I could have neglected all others to be with him every second, but I realize now that God has always had him in his hands and that every time I was away from him, he was taken care of by some of the most precious people I've ever known. There was a nurse I could get mad with. She let me complain, be mad, cuss when needed (yes i know). I could hate and question, lay it out plainly and she would encourage me and remind me that I was doing the best I could and was the best mom for Noah. Thank you. There were times, sometimes late in the night, when a few of the nurses and I would visit about their kids, they helped take my mind off of things. They would share their lives with me. There was a goofball nurse who would always make me laugh. He and Noah were quite the pair. Such buds. There were nurses who called on their day off, to check on Noah, especially near the end. Even the respiratory people and child life staff would treat me like one of the family. There were even times when I would realize that I had an entire conversation about the Lord, his sovereignty, plan and care for Noah, the gospel, medicine/faith issues, with one of his physicians. There were moments when I was told, by a physician that Noah was being prayed for at the kitchen table, that he was being talked about to their kids, that a spouse was praying as well. When I tell you Noah had special care, I mean it. I will never be able to thank those special people enough. Remembering those things helps mend my heart.
I can't live in guilt, I can't live in the past. As I learn how life looks after Noah, part of it looks very bright because the people who knew him like I did, are still in my life. There are many things ahead that will be wonderful even though Noah isn't here with us. There are opportunities to share Christ, make Him known, change lives, touch lives, and help other families who's little heart babies are here on earth and need care. The more I live in the what ifs and whys I cannot make a difference in the now and future.
I guess the trip to FW was bittersweet, but mostly it was another stitch in the mending process. I know not everyone is as blessed as us to have such amazing people and relationships as we have had. I also know that not everyone has the support system we do.
So, if I seem just a bit obsessed with "noah's staff" it's because knowing them and getting to love on them, keeps me serving, loving, hopeful and moving forward, not stuck in the past or in a pit. I look forward to seeing all that God does in the future, especially at Cook Children's Medical Center and how we will be involved.
So, today has been a new day. Productive, happy, blessed and calm. New mercies are available. His grace is sufficient. Thanks to God's faithfulness, graciousness and sovereignty, Noah is whole and home, and I am not lacking in anything.
Psalm 63:3 - Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.
Thanks and love,
So, happy nurses week to my friends, now family. love to y'all, always.