Saturday, August 3, 2013

Missing Noah

I realized yesterday that in a perfect world, I would have a 1 year old next month. I truly cannot fathom it. A new pain wells up deep within my heart and I ache so much I hardly catch a breath. Did the last year really just go by that fast? The days seemed so long at the time. They would drag on and on. They went in terms of day shift and night shift, Friday nights and Sunday afternoons. The months would come and go and we would realize we were still there. Yet, the days were so long. Another month and we would find the good things to be thankful for and soak up all we could of each other and the little bits of good news and hope. The months since we have all been back home have been fast. We have had lots going on, Ava has been growing by leaps and bounds, daily it seems. We have enjoyed time with family, friends and back at church all the time. We have had a few mini vacations and lots of snuggles. We are still playing catch up on those. But, a YEAR? I am sure that there will be another rambling around that time, but for now, I guess I just want to be in denial. 

I cannot and won't sit here and go through all the what ifs and whys. I will tell you that not a day goes by that I don't think of my baby. Not a day. There are days when missing him makes me better. It makes me take risks and live life fuller. There are days that missing him makes me weep. A lot. There are moments that missing him cleanses me. There are times that missing him makes me thankful. 

Missing Noah has taken a lot of forms and has resulted in various things for me in my life. I won't deny the fact that missing Noah tends to be my form of inspiration these days. Without knowing Noah I would not have had the courage to begin stepping out in faith to follow my dream. Without missing him I would have backed out when my doubts started to cloud my vision. Without missing Noah, I think that I would have stopped listening to God. I have listened to God more in the last year of having Noah in my life, than I EVER had in my entire life previous. I told a dear friend of mine and his wife, in the cool Colorado evening air, as we visited after an evening of worship and the Word, that perhaps Noah was sent to earth, just for me. I have never longed for eternity, never had such a direct means of sharing Christ and never a hunger to keep after Him, than after Noah came. Perhaps even more so after he went. 

The thing about "losing a child" is that it is either a constant reminder of how terrible life is, how ugly life can be, how unfair it all is and how hateful God seems to be towards us. Yet, it can also be a means of grace, a way to the Father, a lesson in love, a message of mercy, a continuing calling to go deeper and climb higher, a way to forever want more of Him, anything to be near my little one. Noah's death keeps me closer to true life. 

That doesn't make it easier, as much as it makes it worth it. Each painful moment gets me one step closer to eternity. Each longing for Noah, keeps me longing for heaven. It keeps me seeking after the places God is and makes me want to be there. 

Worship, in the corporate setting is my healing grace. There were a few moments, during youth camp in Colorado last week, that I felt closer to Noah than since February 22nd. To see young men lift their hands in worship to the Lord, it made me wonder if Noah would have been like them someday, but at the same time it made me realize, he ALREADY is. He IS worshiping, he does have his hands raised in praise and for that I am thankful. 

I may be weak, but your spirit's strong in me. My flesh may fail, but my God you never will. 

God never intended for Noah to be one year old on this earth. Realizing that is hard, but I know that each of our days is numbered and Noah fulfilled his purpose on this earth. The main one, to make Christ famous. The second, to make his mommy seek the Master. 

Good job, sweet son. Job well done. I could not be more proud of you. So, as I get through each day and each hard moment, I'll just soak each one up as a little reminder of the reason I'm still on earth and not with you. 

Missing Noah is something I will never stop doing. That's just fine with me. 

thanks as always, 
Noah's mommy

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