Sunday, January 26, 2014

Even Now

I will pursue you,
even now,
you're the one I want. 
I will pursue you, 
even now,
you're the one I need. 
These words. On a normal week that I am on worship team for weekend services, we end up singing the same songs for 6 times at least with all of the practicing and polishing it can end up more than that. I love it really. I also happen to get numb to some of the words we sing sometimes and when God strikes my heart with a lyric I take note and let is soak in awhile. I caught this little bridge piece in a new way this morning. We were in the middle of a deep time of worship and we began this bridge. I think for the longest time I focused on the I will pursue you part. It is a lovely thought, to pursue him. To continue our daily walk, but with fervor and passion. To pursue is to follow someone or something to catch or attack them. :) I love it. I can imagine attacking Jesus with abandon, to run and run and fall in his arms giggling. That is how I see pursuing him. We should desire to pursue Christ with everything we have! Oh how we pursue jobs, relationships, gadgets and things. Pursue Him with all you are. I know you will not be disappointed. 
Even now. 

What does that mean? I will pursue you, EVEN NOW. I know for me, even now means, even after Noah died, I will pursue you. Even now, after the longest and hardest 2 years of my life, you're the one I want. Even now, especially now, you're the one I need. I am certain that each of us in our own circumstances can come up with an "even now". Even after the divorce, you're the one I want, Lord. Even now, after I got the diagnosis, you're the one I need. Even now, as I sit and grieve my loss, you're the one I want. Even now, when I don't know where I will find a job, you're the one I need. Even now.
It never matters what situation we are in, God is the ONE we want, we need, we pursue. 

So, even now I will seek Him. Even now, I will try new things. Even now, I won't stay bitter. Even now, I will meet new people. Even now, I will seek out God's plan for me. Even now, I will hold my daughter tight and find ways to soak up memories with her daily. Even now, I will remain thankful. Even now, I will bless others. Even now, I will remember my son with a joyful heart, a thankful spirit and a determined mind to share him with others. Even now, I will serve, give, love and share. 

Even now. 

So, where are you in your life? Where do you find yourself and can you honestly say , "even now, you're the one I want"? It's ok if you can't, but I can assure you that if you ask him to help you get to that place, he will. It has been a long road this last year and as I think back on all of the deep dark times, I know he has never left me, so even now, especially now, He's the one I want. Thank you God for your relentless love, unfailing love, constant guide, strong guard and gentle hands. I rest in Him, knowing all that has happened has been for His good and I thank God for giving me the strength everyday to keep pursuing him. 

Be blessed, 
Noah's momma

Monday, January 13, 2014

Just Because My Child Died, Doesn't Mean He Didn't Answer My Prayers.

When the tears come, usually the words come. I have tried keeping a weekly blog and I realized that when I force myself to sit and write something, it is usually just blubbering on about daily life and stuff that people aren't really interested in at all. I am not even interested in that. ha.

I have resolved to basically write when led to, by the Spirit and when I know God has something to say.

For the last few months, I have had many less days of tears. I have enjoyed life more fully than I have since May of 2012. I can breathe again, more often anyway. The darkness has lifted so much I can see further now than in so long. I began to wonder if I was "getting over it". Well, I knew better than to ever think I would get over it. I love that I can enjoy life and be lighthearted, even joyous, yet still weep for my son. I am thankful that I can find fun in simple things, try new things, get angry less quickly, stress out less often and find the good in daily living again. I am also thankful that I still feel the sting, that I still ache when I need to, long to hold him in the late evenings, imagine him playing with his sissy... I also begin to thank the Lord for the healing he has, the mighty rescue God performed, the absolutely peaceful moment that Jesus walked in the room and scooped him out of my arms and took him home.

I was at Trinity Fellowship Friday night as Bethel Worship team led worship. There were a couple thousand people there I'm sure and at one point I realized that I was in the middle of not even a fraction of heaven and yet it was the most full filling reminder to me. This earth was meant to be left. Our lives are meant to be lived, only until He says, "come with me". Eternity is the goal and my son got there before me.

Sunday morning I was leading "How He Loves Us". This song came on as soon as we were leaving the cemetery the day of Noah's service. It was quite the song to hear as we left the place where we laid Noah. It was as if God was just pouring his sweet reminders over us that this was not to hurt us, it was not a punishment, it was not bad, at all. It is redemption. It is the gospel in tangible form. As I led the people Sunday, I was just overwhelmed with the thought that so many of God's own do not realize that they are loved the way they are. They think God is hurting them, they believe the lies of the enemy. They walk around in daily life so blinded by circumstances that they forget the gospel. All I could keep thinking about was the gospel.

Does the gospel stir your heart? It hadn't mine in entirely too long until that moment when Noah took his last breath. It was then that I realized, of course after deep agonizing weeping and pain, that because of the gospel, it was all ok. There is a separation we have to make in our grief that missing our own is good, being sad because they are gone is just fine, being weary of wishing to hold them again is normal, but saying that they died (when knowing Christ especially) is bad, I'm not so sure is how God is asking us to see it. You see, the good news is just that; GOOD. Because Christ MADE THE WAY, Noah was ushered into an eternity of complete healing. Because of the Resurrection this pain I carry so many days will be REDEEMED.

I am completely ok with missing my boy, wishing he were here, weeping over not holding his little hand or snuggling him tight, but I cannot and will not say that his death is a bad thing. If I were to resort to the thinking that his death was bad or wrong, misplaced or too early, then I resort to thinking that God is not in control, that He is not who He says He is, that his Word is void and that ultimately He failed me. He has never failed me, He has never once left me, He certainly did not fail or leave Noah. Just because my child died, doesn't mean God didn't answer my prayers. I CAN FINALLY SAY THAT IN CONFIDENCE AND MEAN IT. (just because my child died doesn't mean God didn't answer my prayers) HE DID NOT FAIL ME. HE ANSWERED MY PRAYERS. HE LOVED NOAH, LOVES ME and IS STILL GOOD.

I will never forget asking Dr. J that week, "will God still be good?". He certainly is good and this pain now and again, certainly is as well.

Don't forget that the gospel makes all the difference. Christ's death and Resurrection make our life worth living, makes death not so bad and should stir our hearts affections. When you get to the point that the gospel doesn't stir you, you need to reevaluate if you know the gospel or not. I had to.

Be blessed this evening. Stay near Him always,

Noah's mommy