Tuesday, February 18, 2014

"It's Ok"

I was sitting across from my best friend as we ate our ice cream and swapped "momma talk" and giggled about the little one wiggling and growing in her womb. Life in that moment was giddy and sweet. Literally.

 There is something about having a couple of days of uninterrupted friend time, with delicious food, refreshing conversation and simply being in each other's presence. Text and social media are a blessing in keeping a twelve hour friendship close, but aren't always enough.

Momma talk is fun and I love thinking back to when Ava was a baby and replaying it in my mind, picking out the parts I feel are good nuggets of experience for my friend. It is fun to discuss babies, mommy stuff, stay at home mommy needs and things not to forget or let fall through the cracks when it comes to a momma's heart, needs and the fun things that will always be "her" that she will not want to lose in the long days and nights of motherhood. Remembering to enjoy lipgloss, cute shoes, your favorite candle and indulging  in some chocolate when needed (or wanted)! :)

It is something special though, when you can discuss how she will be having a baby boy. She will get to watch her son grow up, take first steps, have a first birthday, get a drivers license and get married. Life is full of excitement and blessing as they begin life with a BOY on the way. All the while, knowing that I am not able to enjoy the things they will with my own boy. There is something profound that comes when a friendship has a core value of Christ with honesty and openness that transcends even the hardship of the death of a child. I have not known anyone, besides my husband that I can be so transparent and honest with and vice versa.
There is something so special about this baby boy. This baby will forever be a symbol of "it will be ok". From the moment I knew this baby was coming, even in the sting of slight jealousy, an overwhelming joy and excitement entered my heart and mind. I love that my best friend is with child. I love that she is having a precious boy and even when it hurts, it's good. Every time that boy hits a new milestone, I will remember God is GOOD. He is holy and he is the God of detail.

I don't know how to be right now. The first anniversary of Noah's death is Saturday. It is coming. It is almost here and I want it to keep being something that is coming not something that has gone. A year goes by and then another one will and another. Time doesn't stop, but in my heart Noah stopped. His life stopped. Everything else keeps going. I realize in the sweetest of moments  with Christ though, that Noah's heart stopped for a second and then he entered eternal movement.
A year ago, nick and I were in a whirlwind of decisions and emotion. I am certain that no parent goes into parenthood, even knowing your child will be born with an illness, where you are planning on taking them off of all life support. I never once in my life imagined I would be the mom of a baby boy who would leave this world before me and I would have to decide, in a sort of odd way, when that would happen. I can remember the day like yesterday. I remember being so thankful that Dr. J was on call because I knew we would have a  leader who was praying for us, asking God for guidance as well and would ride the waves with us through the day. When the decision had to be made, I remember wondering why we had to say "ok, it's time". It WAS NEVER going to be "the time". We thought it would be a fairly quick process and we didn't know what to expect. It was a surreal 10 hours. There are details that will forever be mine and Nick's. I will tell you, though, that as we listened to worship music and took turns holding him, the Holy Spirit was in the room. Until the moment Jesus came to get our boy, the Spirit never left. He is our helper, our comforter and He provided exactly that. Noah means peace. That day was peace. Those 10 hours were quiet, calm and rich in peace. The weariness of 9 months of planning for, having and walking beside our son with half a heart, began to wash away, melting off of our tired bodies, as our son's battle was being won, forever. Every procedure he endured, every line drawn, every needle poke, every battle he fought was being redeemed, reconciled and made victorious through Christ and his work on the cross, as he entered perfection and eternity of complete wellness, wholeness and PEACE. He finished his race, he won the prize and now I never once will have to worry for my son, wish he were ok, try to make it better for him or wonder what life holds for him. He is forever ok. He is always near. He has arrived and I will live each day in anticipation that His time came and so will mine. Time isn't passing by me anymore, it is coming towards me (thank you Beth Moore) with joyous fervor and great expectation.
So yes. I hurt. I ache. I can hardly breathe. I long for him. I wish I could put him to bed, kiss his head and watch him sleep. I wish I could see him grow into a man. I wish I could know him and what he would have liked, been skilled at, gifted at and cook him his favorite meals, celebrate birthdays and hold him tight. I wish all of those things. I don't wear myself out wishing or wondering why. I have since last year, but less now. I know that nothing changes what happened, but I know that what happened has changed me.
My son is my hero. He is my inspiration. He was God's way of getting my full and complete attention. He was how I became brave. He taught me to like myself and even enjoy being me. He reminded me to enjoy life and not be so serious. He taught me to thank others. He showed me how many people love me. He brought nick and I closer than ever. He forced me to trust The Lord with Ava, more than I ever had in my life. He encouraged me in my mothering, to share Jesus with Ava in every way possible. He showed Nick and I how much we would endure together and how thankful we are and will forever be for our families, our church and our community. I will never see life the same.
You see, Noah died, my heart has a deep pain and a hole where his physical presence is missing, yet with his half a heart, he has taught mine to trust more, love deeper, extend grace, give chances, live richer, give thanks, stop and take note, take chances, dream and be involved.

If you were touched by our son and would like to celebrate his first year in heaven. Take a picture of a heart, share what you are thankful for in your life and tag the picture #themightynoah

We would love to hear how God is moving in your life and as you share with everyone, Noah is remembered and God is honored!!!! Join us and celebrate.

My friend and I wrapped up our sweet visit and saying bye to the little man in her womb was like saying hello to the next season of God's goodness and rich blessing.

"It's ok." It always has been. It always will be.
This baby in my best friend's womb is proof that "He makes all things beautiful in His time".

Please share your heart picture, your thankful heart words and tag it "#themightynoah anytime between now and the 22nd.

What a joyful celebration we will have the next few days!!!

Thank you for supporting us in this as always!!
Noah's momma

1 comment:

mariposa said...

Love you my sweet friend