Thursday, April 10, 2014


He was mine. Well, he was never really mine, but, while he was on earth, he was in the way that our children always are. They are ours, they are our responsibility, a priority, our joy, sometimes our frustration, even from day one. They are the Lord's, but they are ours. Sometimes I forget that Noah was mine. I forget that I carried him inside my womb for 9 months, I sat by his beside for 5 months, I was the first one to hold him. I was the one to hold him when he died. He was mine. A precious woman and dear friend/sister in Christ sent this to me today.

 Love your perspective having "lost" Noah. He is not lost, and how exciting for the men who will find that same hope today! Every time you pour into someone else, pray for someone else, turn yourself off for a weekend and selflessly give to others, you are sharing, honoring, and continuing Noah's impact. I always want to say "you make Noah proud" but I am not really sure how that works. I do know, that if Noah was here and could physically grow up with you as his mother, how incredibly blessed he would be, just like Ava. Even though Noah doesn't get to grow up on this earth, he was able to grow inside of you for 9 months, completely fulfilled and sustained by your body. He then felt your touch and heard your voice and constant encouragement for the remainder of his life. Your bond was incredible and I pray you still feel it as tangibly today as you did when you could touch his face. I know for a fact, that what Noah experienced as your son amounted to much more than just years or time. It was an immeasurable bond. I hope that doesn't sound insensitive or like "at least you got to have…." That is by no means what I mean. What I do mean is that his influence is strong and tangible and I see it in his momma every day. 
Wow. Truly, I just sat at my desk and cried because sometimes I forget that Noah was a person, not just a story, not just a legacy, not just a witness, not just a heart patient, but my son. my baby, my precious little piece of Nick and myself that God made, to bless our life with. I am thankful that for 14 months, Noah and I were together, 9 of those in the most secret place, where he was "healthy" and his body didn't have to work so hard. I know that as the years go by, people will think less about Noah and that is normal, that is fine and that is expected. What I also know, is that the more I let God work in me and through me, the more I recognize grief as a way to draw closer to the Father and that all Noah did in my life continues to shape me, he will be thought of often. Overall, he will always be mine. I've said it before, but there are days I know that God sent Noah just for me. For that, I am deeply grateful, thankful and will continue to always strive to be shaped and molded by the journey we had with him.
Thank you to those who remind me that Noah was my baby boy and that he will always be a part of many people's lives, but I will always and forever know that beyond all he "did for others", he was still just MY sweet baby boy.
Have a blessed day.
Noah's momma