Wednesday, September 24, 2014

9.24.12

9.24.12

everytime I called up to the unit to check on Noah if I was in my room or away for a little while, I would have to give them his DOB as like a "password". I said it all the time. When I would consent for a procedure or whatever, they would ask for it. I mean, if I didn't already know it because he was my child, it was forever engrained because of the 5 months of saying it.

Today is 9.24.14 and he's not here, I don't have to check on him, and I'm sad today. I am trying to allow the Lord to bring me joy and I am so thankful for all the love poured out by friends and family over us today. I am very thankful, but honestly, I'm sad. I'm just ruined by the tangible longing to celebrate him, his LIFE and its hard when he's dead. My momma heart just wants to scoop him up and tickle him all over, kiss his face until he can't stand it and have birthday party to remember for all time... I don't need a pep talk about how he is in a better place, he's rejoicing with the angels, he's having the best birthday party in heaven. I know all of that.  I rejoice in that, but right now, this morning, right around the time he was born, I just want him. I want him, his smell, his smile, his cheeks, his warmth.


A very special friend of mine wrote me the other day and in the message was the following:
"But I truly believe your ultimate momma accomplishment was being the comforter and caretaker of a little life that needed you. You did it with grace. You did it with passion and energy and smarts. It is completed. Your reward will come, but take comfort in knowing there is a portion of your motherhood experience that you rocked! The journey is over for mothering Noah, and even thought that brings tears and pain, it also brings a sense of peace.Rest in the fact that the Lord sustained you as you loved Noah. He sustained you to feel that deeply and equipped you to walk that road.  Although the mothering is finished, the mother is not. You will never stop being Noah's mommy and he will never stop being your son. The physical act of comforting is no longer needed, but the mark that left on you is there. It will always be there. You will always feel so deeply about your son. The part of you that is Noah's mommy does not go away because he passed away. Some days you might need to curl up as Noah's mommy and just let the feelings flood you. Let the pain sting and the aches overcome you. Always always be weary under the protection of the lord, but be weary none the less. You can't go through a journey like Noah's and someday wake up completely "over it." You are ruined, sweet momma. You will forever be Noah's mommy and that will forever bring a flood of emotion, good and bad. I know you consider it an honor. But be reminded that the pain of Noah's death also means the joy of his life. It means we got to meet him. We got to smile with him. We got to touch him. It wasn't long enough, but it was. I am so thankful for his little life and I will never forget him! Love you!"


Wrecked. To have someone in my life that would pour that kind of encouragement into me. They nailed it on the head. That paragraph is how I want to remember Noah's 2nd birthday. Each time we come to his birthday or his day of death, I know God will have me at a new place, learning a new thing and reflecting in a different way. 

Noah being born, means he lived. He was mine for a short time, I will celebrate that. He helped move people closer to the Father, I will celebrate that. He made me better and still does, I will celebrate that. While it thunderstorms I will consider it the overflow of the heavenly party. As cheesy as it sounds and however much my flesh wants to fight it and wallow in my own pity party... I will thank the Lord. 

I want to thank each of you who have been so sweet to text, Facebook message or post to us. Your love and thoughtfulness makes us so thankful and happy. We cannot imagine doing life without y'all and your support.

Thanks and love!
Noah's mommy

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Our Miracle Didn't Come...

Noah would have been 2 this month. He died though. See, when you look at it from a pretty narrow point of view, his miracle didn't come. Our prayers didn't work. He died. His miracle for a healed heart did not happen.
I hate to say that there are days when I struggle with this to the point of tears. I was scrolling through some heart images today trying to prepare for going to Ft Worth by getting cards made for the goody bags. I came across a logo that said, "Noah's Mighty Heart". It was very well designed and so I clicked it of course. It was obviously a website/blog to update people on a baby named Noah, who has HLHS. I read a little bit. I emailed the mom and just told her that we had a Noah who had HLHS and that my prayers were with them in their journey. I then saw the most recent post, that I hadn't read. It was called Miraculous Healing. I read and weeped. You can probably assume from the title what happened for them. They went to a prayer service at their church, were prayed over and then the next dr appt they had, the sonogram went normal until the Dr looked and said, "the left ventricle looks really good. are you sure you have the HLHS diagnosis?" This dr was not their normal dr, so he wasn't sure if there was a mistake or something.

I couldn't handle it anymore. I closed the browser and just sat there. Tears streaming down my face, I tried to hold them back, but I was jealous, I immediately wondered what we did wrong to not get that miracle. We knew going into every sonogram that we could look on that screen and see a healed heart. We never did. We never did see Noah have a healed heart. Until the day he died.

I suppose I have every right to be upset and jealous. I can whine and throw my tantrum I suppose. I just feel so convicted that even though we didn't get that 1 miracle. I can tell you that in my Noah's life, he experienced more than 1. You can read through the previous posts about what all God did in Noah's short life. He could have died during his first surgery, he could have died during the cardiac arrest he went through, he could have died during pacemaker surgery, he could have died during the Glen surgery, he finally did die, but God gave us time with him on multiple occasions where it seemed bleak. I cannot deny the fact that Noah got miracles. Just, not the one we wanted...

I want to curl up in bed and weep for awhile. I miss my boy. He died. He didn't get a healed heart, I didn't get to hold him the day he was born, blah blah, same old story. I know.

I have been convicted recently of giving God my leftovers by having quiet time at night. So, this morning I got up a bit early and had some time in the word and journal. I came to a scripture I have loved. I found it and loved it during the time I was weeping daily, for my son, in the hospital and after he died. It was a nice piece to my morning quiet time, but I didn't realize God was giving me the strength, before the heart break was coming this morning.

You have kept count of my tossings;[a]
    put my tears in your bottle.
    Are they not in your book?
Psalm 56:8

See, God had my heart in his hands and prepared me for the hard time this morning reading that good news of someone I don't even know.... He puts each of my tears in his bottle. There are times when the pain still stings so much I just don't want to function. Yet, he sees me, he knows me and if I will continue to trust that, He will see me through every hard moment. Why did we not get our miracle healing in the womb? Why did we not see his goodness before 5 months of struggle, fight and heartbreak? Why do I not get to see my son grow and develop.... I am trusting that it was not a lack of faith that didn't get Noah his miracle healing, because God himself hand picked my Noah to live the life he did, the way he did, for a mightier purpose than I will ever know. 

I'm not sure where you're struggling today, but maybe you need to hear that he holds every tear, he has counted them and he knows. He loves you. He has this. 

you can read more about this here...HIS BOTTLE OF TEARS
love and tears,
Noah's mommy