Thursday, September 11, 2014

Our Miracle Didn't Come...

Noah would have been 2 this month. He died though. See, when you look at it from a pretty narrow point of view, his miracle didn't come. Our prayers didn't work. He died. His miracle for a healed heart did not happen.
I hate to say that there are days when I struggle with this to the point of tears. I was scrolling through some heart images today trying to prepare for going to Ft Worth by getting cards made for the goody bags. I came across a logo that said, "Noah's Mighty Heart". It was very well designed and so I clicked it of course. It was obviously a website/blog to update people on a baby named Noah, who has HLHS. I read a little bit. I emailed the mom and just told her that we had a Noah who had HLHS and that my prayers were with them in their journey. I then saw the most recent post, that I hadn't read. It was called Miraculous Healing. I read and weeped. You can probably assume from the title what happened for them. They went to a prayer service at their church, were prayed over and then the next dr appt they had, the sonogram went normal until the Dr looked and said, "the left ventricle looks really good. are you sure you have the HLHS diagnosis?" This dr was not their normal dr, so he wasn't sure if there was a mistake or something.

I couldn't handle it anymore. I closed the browser and just sat there. Tears streaming down my face, I tried to hold them back, but I was jealous, I immediately wondered what we did wrong to not get that miracle. We knew going into every sonogram that we could look on that screen and see a healed heart. We never did. We never did see Noah have a healed heart. Until the day he died.

I suppose I have every right to be upset and jealous. I can whine and throw my tantrum I suppose. I just feel so convicted that even though we didn't get that 1 miracle. I can tell you that in my Noah's life, he experienced more than 1. You can read through the previous posts about what all God did in Noah's short life. He could have died during his first surgery, he could have died during the cardiac arrest he went through, he could have died during pacemaker surgery, he could have died during the Glen surgery, he finally did die, but God gave us time with him on multiple occasions where it seemed bleak. I cannot deny the fact that Noah got miracles. Just, not the one we wanted...

I want to curl up in bed and weep for awhile. I miss my boy. He died. He didn't get a healed heart, I didn't get to hold him the day he was born, blah blah, same old story. I know.

I have been convicted recently of giving God my leftovers by having quiet time at night. So, this morning I got up a bit early and had some time in the word and journal. I came to a scripture I have loved. I found it and loved it during the time I was weeping daily, for my son, in the hospital and after he died. It was a nice piece to my morning quiet time, but I didn't realize God was giving me the strength, before the heart break was coming this morning.

You have kept count of my tossings;[a]
    put my tears in your bottle.
    Are they not in your book?
Psalm 56:8

See, God had my heart in his hands and prepared me for the hard time this morning reading that good news of someone I don't even know.... He puts each of my tears in his bottle. There are times when the pain still stings so much I just don't want to function. Yet, he sees me, he knows me and if I will continue to trust that, He will see me through every hard moment. Why did we not get our miracle healing in the womb? Why did we not see his goodness before 5 months of struggle, fight and heartbreak? Why do I not get to see my son grow and develop.... I am trusting that it was not a lack of faith that didn't get Noah his miracle healing, because God himself hand picked my Noah to live the life he did, the way he did, for a mightier purpose than I will ever know. 

I'm not sure where you're struggling today, but maybe you need to hear that he holds every tear, he has counted them and he knows. He loves you. He has this. 

you can read more about this here...HIS BOTTLE OF TEARS
love and tears,
Noah's mommy

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