There are days in this life that just hurt. Some days are just hard and there is no more pretending that you are ok, faking that you aren't affected negatively by the things going on around you and you break. You finally let down the guard and let yourself feel the emotions that come with being human, sharing time/space/life events/etc and then experiencing lots of change. Some days highlight loss. When I experienced Noah's death, the first thing I did was "be ok"... truthfully. I was "fine". Things were going to be "ok" and I didn't need to deal with it, I already had, so I thought. I got busy with all sorts of things and made sure I wasn't a big emotional wreck in front of people. It lasted awhile and then I finally got tired. I was tired of pretending that I was ok. I was tired of telling myself I had to be strong. I finally began to honestly approach my emotions, feelings and grief.
I've found myself in a similar situation as of late and I realize I can do 1 of 2 things. I can do it myself or I can surrender it.
Both of those choices are not easy. There isn't a way to bail. Running isn't an option. I don't get the luxury of quitting. The options are do it myself (and fail I'm sure) or surrender it.
Surrender means that I don't get control, I don't get a say and I sure as heck don't get a heads up for any other things coming my way. I don't get a memo that tells me all the things that will happen and how to handle them. I don't get to follow a crowd into a fun and easy season. I get to stay where I'm at, trust, seek and remain steadfast to the call which God has on me.
Grief teaches lessons that carry over into other seasons of life. If I could encourage you to do anything through your grieving time... learn. Be taught. Take notes. Experience and then draw from it later.
This too shall pass. Life moves on. Time lends perspective and room for God to work. I will trust God's character even if I do not understand his ways.
There is no room for arguing with God here, wondering why, or searching for an answer. The answer is surrender. The answer is always grace and the utmost answer is Yes to God and No to myself, humanity and the ever changing behavior of people around us.
Be faithful to Christ. Be gracious to the people who need it most. Trust Him.